Sometimes I can’t

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe like I can’t keep doing it. Stomach problems aside, my anxiety and all hit its peak, the other day, when all that kept popping up in my news feed, was the Standford rape case and the huge miscarriage of justice that it was that the judge didn’t want to ruin a rapist life by sending to prison with no thought for what it does to the victim.

As much as I would love to reach out to her, to let her know that it will be okay. It honestly wont, she will suffer the rest of her life even when things seem behind her and seem like it is going great something will throw her right back into it. She will survive and will get stronger, but out of no where the pain and nightmares will come back.

As much as I would love to say I’m okay I am not. I”m having to avoid facebook, till this case and the outrage (which is beyond justified goes away)….b/c I just can’t.

99.9 % of the time I am okay and I don’t think about it…that .01% can almost kill me though…especially when it results into a full blown panic attack, that leaves me sitting in the bathroom flooring trying to focus on a spot on the wall while screaming and pull my hair out, while my husband says for me to stop and pull my self together but sometimes I just can’t.

I feel bad because I no longer hang out with people…I just can’t…I wasn’t always like this but now the thought of having people over or worse yet meeting new people and hanging out is numbing, nauseating, and not even worth the effort…so no I will not be annoyed when my husband works late or goes to the gym or goes to work hours early…Most people need to be around other people…but I just can’t

I wish I could say that I could push it back down and put it behind me but I just can’t