Sometimes I can’t

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe like I can’t keep doing it. Stomach problems aside, my anxiety and all hit its peak, the other day, when all that kept popping up in my news feed, was the Standford rape case and the huge miscarriage of justice that it was that the judge didn’t want to ruin a rapist life by sending to prison with no thought for what it does to the victim.

As much as I would love to reach out to her, to let her know that it will be okay. It honestly wont, she will suffer the rest of her life even when things seem behind her and seem like it is going great something will throw her right back into it. She will survive and will get stronger, but out of no where the pain and nightmares will come back.

As much as I would love to say I’m okay I am not. I”m having to avoid facebook, till this case and the outrage (which is beyond justified goes away)….b/c I just can’t.

99.9 % of the time I am okay and I don’t think about it…that .01% can almost kill me though…especially when it results into a full blown panic attack, that leaves me sitting in the bathroom flooring trying to focus on a spot on the wall while screaming and pull my hair out, while my husband says for me to stop and pull my self together but sometimes I just can’t.

I feel bad because I no longer hang out with people…I just can’t…I wasn’t always like this but now the thought of having people over or worse yet meeting new people and hanging out is numbing, nauseating, and not even worth the effort…so no I will not be annoyed when my husband works late or goes to the gym or goes to work hours early…Most people need to be around other people…but I just can’t

I wish I could say that I could push it back down and put it behind me but I just can’t

 

And just like that my love evolved

Saturday was a very busy day for us the youngest had a recital and most of you know this is the first time Jody has seen any of his kids perform (well he saw Eden cheer a couple of times) but had never had to witness me turn into stage mom in all my stressed out glory. Prison took not only alot of his time but took alot of time away from the kids. Thats another blog post though (if you are interested in reading the blog I did while he was in prison go here).

Anyway I have known my husband pretty much all my life we met when we were 13 and I had an instant crush on him…so our relationship and my love has went through several different changes. And has grown and changed, never lessened. It may not be as passionate or chaotic as it has been. We are older and more mature, and in turn more comfortable, he has seen me at my best and my worst…but before I get to carried away.

I was freaking out which was causing Lily to freak out about her make up, when I got voted out of the mascara, then got booted from make up duty for a mommy time out….It gave me the opportunity to watch the bond between my husband and our youngest grow as she trusted him near her eye more than me….and made me realize that middle aged, parenting life can still be sexy and that when I thought my love for this man couldn’t get any deeper it just did

 

Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts

So many people think having a wedding band is important. To be honest I’ve went through 3 bands since we finally got married almost 9 years ago (July). Usually I lose them at work when my hands sweat and I take off rubber gloves I don’t notice that it is gone till the trash is taken out and sorry not sorry I’m not dumpster diving in a fast food restaurant…And my husband has swelling problems in his hands.

So when an article popped up on Facebook about couples tattoos I fell in love with the idea of wedding band tatt’s…Years ago we wanted to do but a shop refused then he went to prison…So after saving up the money, we got them done and since his birthday is Saturday and mine is in June, our anniversary follows in July we did a combination gift.

It took maybe 20 minutes for both and no it didn’t really hurt to bad and I”m in love with our new set and don’t have to worry about loosing it.

Date Night

You will read in a lot of advice columns that date night is important, and I agree couples need some time to themselves and time to chill. What do you guys do on your date nights?

Heres an example of most of ours date nights. We don’t really go out, we have to take our budget into consideration.

So me and my husband ¬†have the opportunity for a date night. He got off work before midnight and due to Dr excuse I am off work this entire weekend (ugh labyrinthitis). The kids are at Nanny and Pa-paw’s (my parents)….and what do we spend it doing.

I spend it Facebook stalking the people with kids old enough to go to prom, like our oldest, but she chose not to so and taking dumb Facebook ¬†quizzes. Jody is playing Final Fantasy X 12 or 13…ah 13 I had to check.

Later we will probably finish the second season of Dexter. (I hope so he can catch up with me)

Yep we are getting old. But there is no one I would rather grow old with.

 

Intro Post

So just a quick intro, I actually ran a blog in the past about being married to someone in prison and it quickly turned into a facebook support group. But now with my husband finally home after 8 long years, I thought I would start a new family / lifestyle blog up. Mostly so our extended family’s can keep up with us. But also as a form of entertainment for me.

So quick background me and Jody are almost at 9 years of marriage, but met when we were 13 and had our first daughter when we were 18. We have two wonderful girls, Eden 17 and Lily 8. He did do a long prison sentence but is doing great since being released. We have 2 cats (noodle and black cat) a hamster (gussy) and we get to get our puppy Monday (Dexter). We both work outside the home, but I’m wanting to transition eventually to work at home.

The basic overall plan for my blog family updates (including our furry babies), rants and ramblings, work at home things, probably coupons and money saving tips eventually. I want to atleast update 4 times a week, until I complete my transition and then it will be daily.