Sometimes I can’t

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe like I can’t keep doing it. Stomach problems aside, my anxiety and all hit its peak, the other day, when all that kept popping up in my news feed, was the Standford rape case and the huge miscarriage of justice that it was that the judge didn’t want to ruin a rapist life by sending to prison with no thought for what it does to the victim.

As much as I would love to reach out to her, to let her know that it will be okay. It honestly wont, she will suffer the rest of her life even when things seem behind her and seem like it is going great something will throw her right back into it. She will survive and will get stronger, but out of no where the pain and nightmares will come back.

As much as I would love to say I’m okay I am not. I”m having to avoid facebook, till this case and the outrage (which is beyond justified goes away)….b/c I just can’t.

99.9 % of the time I am okay and I don’t think about it…that .01% can almost kill me though…especially when it results into a full blown panic attack, that leaves me sitting in the bathroom flooring trying to focus on a spot on the wall while screaming and pull my hair out, while my husband says for me to stop and pull my self together but sometimes I just can’t.

I feel bad because I no longer hang out with people…I just can’t…I wasn’t always like this but now the thought of having people over or worse yet meeting new people and hanging out is numbing, nauseating, and not even worth the effort…so no I will not be annoyed when my husband works late or goes to the gym or goes to work hours early…Most people need to be around other people…but I just can’t

I wish I could say that I could push it back down and put it behind me but I just can’t



And just like that my love evolved

Saturday was a very busy day for us the youngest had a recital and most of you know this is the first time Jody has seen any of his kids perform (well he saw Eden cheer a couple of times) but had never had to witness me turn into stage mom in all my stressed out glory. Prison took not only alot of his time but took alot of time away from the kids. Thats another blog post though (if you are interested in reading the blog I did while he was in prison go here).

Anyway I have known my husband pretty much all my life we met when we were 13 and I had an instant crush on him…so our relationship and my love has went through several different changes. And has grown and changed, never lessened. It may not be as passionate or chaotic as it has been. We are older and more mature, and in turn more comfortable, he has seen me at my best and my worst…but before I get to carried away.

I was freaking out which was causing Lily to freak out about her make up, when I got voted out of the mascara, then got booted from make up duty for a mommy time out….It gave me the opportunity to watch the bond between my husband and our youngest grow as she trusted him near her eye more than me….and made me realize that middle aged, parenting life can still be sexy and that when I thought my love for this man couldn’t get any deeper it just did


People exhaust me

People exhaust me…and not just negative people or dramatic people. Just people i general, and it has gotten worse since I have gotten older (and clean, I used to be able to hang out with tons of people for days and hours on end, but I was usually high, been clean for almost 10 years now, thats another blog post for another day)….

I feel bad for my family, especially my youngest and my husband, who seem to be more sociable than me, and would probably do more hanging out if I wasn’t such a hermit. My oldest is like me and prefers to not be around people. I do try but most the fail, and if I do try I can only keep up small talk or well any talk for around 30 minutes before I run out of things to say and then I try to listen but as an hour approaches  I begin to feel like my life is being sucked out of me literally and I have a hard time holding my eyes open, usually the people aren’t boring it is just mentally exhausting for me to be around people. Oddly enough my kids don’t have that affect on me, neither does Jody.

I have learned over the years how to fake social skills and smile and not say what is on my mind, like okay times up now I”m tired being around you forcing myself to listen to you talk about your kids, wife, family, pets vacation ect has drained me now go home or time for me to go thats all I can take.

Maybe I”m an odd ball and i know people think it is an excuse for me to not be around them, but it is not, it is physically and mentally taxing on me…If you want to communicate with me, text and facebook are awesome ways to do so, maybe not personal connections but atleast I don’t get drained from them.




Or not….

I don’t think she does. Before I get into why I want to make it clear I have zero against the LGTBQ community, I’m an active supporter of gay and lesbian rights, I have friends and family that are gay, my baby brother is marrying the love of his life and long term partner in June and I couldn’t be happier.

But I really don’t think Elsa needs a girl friend (nor am I excited about a sequel, I still know the entire script to Frozen). Elsa’s whole thing was strong single woman that didn’t need a man or well anyone, I think bringing Elsa a partner of either sex would ruin that.

Solution make a new movie and have either the prince or princess as a gay/lesbian character..

Thats just my two cents on why #elsaneedsagirlfriend

I’m go to the dr…I can’t afford to

Obamacare, ACA, Medicaid expansion, what ever you want to call it.This is an argument as old as the Obama administration. On the first go around Obama care, wasn’t bad it originally modeled the universal healthcare plans in Canada. But to many people were offended that poor people would actually get the medical care they needed, especially the working poor.

Have you ever been sick, not a cold or flu, but sick and not knowing what is wrong with you, but avoiding the Dr b/c you can’t afford another a debt . Or a down payment, or know that it would do no good because you can’t afford the medicine. Or had to tell your child sorry I can’t get your medicine this month because we need money for food or gas.

For several years I was only able to see a Dr, at RAM (remote area medical) once a year, where I would wait in line for hours if not days along with thousands of other people some of whom who had been waiting outside in tents for over a week, to get medicine, test ect they need. And even then some of the treatments can’t be completed in outside tents, in three days time, then they refer you to a teaching hospital where you may or may not get the treatment you need in the next 6-8 months (not the hospital fault their resources are stretched so far.).

Yes it is easy to say lazy get another job, a better paying job, work two jobs…but its not always realistic, especially when you need babysitters, time of for kids getting sick or have  a chronic illness.

My story goes like this and this is one of the huge reason I’m a Bernie supporter. I have worked since I was 15, sometimes two or three jobs at a time. Heck right now I”m working part time and I clean houses on my days off, as long as my “whatever” isn’t acting up and I am not either dizzy, hurting or so exhausted I can’t even hold my head up. The only time I took any length of time off, was the birth of my daughters, 6 weeks with the first one less than 4 with my second…..About a year to a year and half ago, I started hurting everywhere even to sit up, and the fatigue was just as bad, then I gained 80 pounds in a short amount of time and started having chest pains. I found out at even just 7o0 a month I was making to much to get any medical help…so the bills started piling up, the ER finally told me pretty much enough, you need to see a real dr and have x, y, z testing…I had no choice 6 months ago to cut my hours down to 10 a week…so with coupons and budgeting like crazy I make it work. However, had Virginia expanded their medicaid I would have been able to continue to work, and see the drs for the test that I am needing (not to mention the 150 dollars in medicine the drs have put me on) and not had to get rental assistance and food help. So to save some face and appease the elite, I have now had to go from poverty to well below poverty, just to get the medical care I need…Should I or anyone die b/c they are poor? Most Americans are not equipped to handle a medical emergency or extended illness, so think hard before you answer. I’ve never been lazy, and it kills me that it has come to this, but as a mother and wife I have to do what it takes to get healthy and be there for my family.


As far as what is wrong with me, the drs so far have said chronic gastritis, PCOS,  labyrithitis, depression and anxiety disorder, high blood pressure, insulin resistance, Stage one COPD and possibility fibromylia and possible sleep apena…However this will require several more dr visits test and medicine to treat and pin down….At this point I’m at a loss of what to do, and wonder if I should even continue trying to work for a corrupt system that doesn’t care whether I live or die.

Thats just my rant for tonight.

Date Night

You will read in a lot of advice columns that date night is important, and I agree couples need some time to themselves and time to chill. What do you guys do on your date nights?

Heres an example of most of ours date nights. We don’t really go out, we have to take our budget into consideration.

So me and my husband  have the opportunity for a date night. He got off work before midnight and due to Dr excuse I am off work this entire weekend (ugh labyrinthitis). The kids are at Nanny and Pa-paw’s (my parents)….and what do we spend it doing.

I spend it Facebook stalking the people with kids old enough to go to prom, like our oldest, but she chose not to so and taking dumb Facebook  quizzes. Jody is playing Final Fantasy X 12 or 13…ah 13 I had to check.

Later we will probably finish the second season of Dexter. (I hope so he can catch up with me)

Yep we are getting old. But there is no one I would rather grow old with.


Intro Post

So just a quick intro, I actually ran a blog in the past about being married to someone in prison and it quickly turned into a facebook support group. But now with my husband finally home after 8 long years, I thought I would start a new family / lifestyle blog up. Mostly so our extended family’s can keep up with us. But also as a form of entertainment for me.

So quick background me and Jody are almost at 9 years of marriage, but met when we were 13 and had our first daughter when we were 18. We have two wonderful girls, Eden 17 and Lily 8. He did do a long prison sentence but is doing great since being released. We have 2 cats (noodle and black cat) a hamster (gussy) and we get to get our puppy Monday (Dexter). We both work outside the home, but I’m wanting to transition eventually to work at home.

The basic overall plan for my blog family updates (including our furry babies), rants and ramblings, work at home things, probably coupons and money saving tips eventually. I want to atleast update 4 times a week, until I complete my transition and then it will be daily.