Sometimes I can’t

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe like I can’t keep doing it. Stomach problems aside, my anxiety and all hit its peak, the other day, when all that kept popping up in my news feed, was the Standford rape case and the huge miscarriage of justice that it was that the judge didn’t want to ruin a rapist life by sending to prison with no thought for what it does to the victim.

As much as I would love to reach out to her, to let her know that it will be okay. It honestly wont, she will suffer the rest of her life even when things seem behind her and seem like it is going great something will throw her right back into it. She will survive and will get stronger, but out of no where the pain and nightmares will come back.

As much as I would love to say I’m okay I am not. I”m having to avoid facebook, till this case and the outrage (which is beyond justified goes away)….b/c I just can’t.

99.9 % of the time I am okay and I don’t think about it…that .01% can almost kill me though…especially when it results into a full blown panic attack, that leaves me sitting in the bathroom flooring trying to focus on a spot on the wall while screaming and pull my hair out, while my husband says for me to stop and pull my self together but sometimes I just can’t.

I feel bad because I no longer hang out with people…I just can’t…I wasn’t always like this but now the thought of having people over or worse yet meeting new people and hanging out is numbing, nauseating, and not even worth the effort…so no I will not be annoyed when my husband works late or goes to the gym or goes to work hours early…Most people need to be around other people…but I just can’t

I wish I could say that I could push it back down and put it behind me but I just can’t




Or not….

I don’t think she does. Before I get into why I want to make it clear I have zero against the LGTBQ community, I’m an active supporter of gay and lesbian rights, I have friends and family that are gay, my baby brother is marrying the love of his life and long term partner in June and I couldn’t be happier.

But I really don’t think Elsa needs a girl friend (nor am I excited about a sequel, I still know the entire script to Frozen). Elsa’s whole thing was strong single woman that didn’t need a man or well anyone, I think bringing Elsa a partner of either sex would ruin that.

Solution make a new movie and have either the prince or princess as a gay/lesbian character..

Thats just my two cents on why #elsaneedsagirlfriend

I’m go to the dr…I can’t afford to

Obamacare, ACA, Medicaid expansion, what ever you want to call it.This is an argument as old as the Obama administration. On the first go around Obama care, wasn’t bad it originally modeled the universal healthcare plans in Canada. But to many people were offended that poor people would actually get the medical care they needed, especially the working poor.

Have you ever been sick, not a cold or flu, but sick and not knowing what is wrong with you, but avoiding the Dr b/c you can’t afford another a debt . Or a down payment, or know that it would do no good because you can’t afford the medicine. Or had to tell your child sorry I can’t get your medicine this month because we need money for food or gas.

For several years I was only able to see a Dr, at RAM (remote area medical) once a year, where I would wait in line for hours if not days along with thousands of other people some of whom who had been waiting outside in tents for over a week, to get medicine, test ect they need. And even then some of the treatments can’t be completed in outside tents, in three days time, then they refer you to a teaching hospital where you may or may not get the treatment you need in the next 6-8 months (not the hospital fault their resources are stretched so far.).

Yes it is easy to say lazy get another job, a better paying job, work two jobs…but its not always realistic, especially when you need babysitters, time of for kids getting sick or have ¬†a chronic illness.

My story goes like this and this is one of the huge reason I’m a Bernie supporter. I have worked since I was 15, sometimes two or three jobs at a time. Heck right now I”m working part time and I clean houses on my days off, as long as my “whatever” isn’t acting up and I am not either dizzy, hurting or so exhausted I can’t even hold my head up. The only time I took any length of time off, was the birth of my daughters, 6 weeks with the first one less than 4 with my second…..About a year to a year and half ago, I started hurting everywhere even to sit up, and the fatigue was just as bad, then I gained 80 pounds in a short amount of time and started having chest pains. I found out at even just 7o0 a month I was making to much to get any medical help…so the bills started piling up, the ER finally told me pretty much enough, you need to see a real dr and have x, y, z testing…I had no choice 6 months ago to cut my hours down to 10 a week…so with coupons and budgeting like crazy I make it work. However, had Virginia expanded their medicaid I would have been able to continue to work, and see the drs for the test that I am needing (not to mention the 150 dollars in medicine the drs have put me on) and not had to get rental assistance and food help. So to save some face and appease the elite, I have now had to go from poverty to well below poverty, just to get the medical care I need…Should I or anyone die b/c they are poor? Most Americans are not equipped to handle a medical emergency or extended illness, so think hard before you answer. I’ve never been lazy, and it kills me that it has come to this, but as a mother and wife I have to do what it takes to get healthy and be there for my family.


As far as what is wrong with me, the drs so far have said chronic gastritis, PCOS, ¬†labyrithitis, depression and anxiety disorder, high blood pressure, insulin resistance, Stage one COPD and possibility fibromylia and possible sleep apena…However this will require several more dr visits test and medicine to treat and pin down….At this point I’m at a loss of what to do, and wonder if I should even continue trying to work for a corrupt system that doesn’t care whether I live or die.

Thats just my rant for tonight.